Mottoes, Bumper Stickers, and Tattoos

This past year I joined a fraternity that's over 100 years old - randonneurs. Over the last century or more, men and women have taken their bicycles out on the road to ride standardized distances of 200 kilometers, 300 kilometers, 400 kilometers and 600 kilometers. They have ridden these distances within a time limit, and within a set of rules which define the sport.

The Audax Club Parisien and the world wide organization Randonneurs Mondiaux are the gatekeepers for this tradition. You can ride around the world on a unicycle, but if your ride isn't certified by one of these organizations, it's just another trans-globe unicycle ride. To be a randonneur, you have to do it their way. You have to do it our way.

I promised myself a new tattoo when I completed my first, full Super Randonnneur Series (200, 300, 400, 600 kilometers). But what to get? That's a hard question. Tattoos, like mothers, are for life.

I think that tattoos are the very personal equivalent of a bumper sticker. I like bumper stickers. Some of my favorites are: STUPID PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BREED, and MEAN PEOPLE SUCK. I also like REAL MEN READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. However, my favorite is: JESUS LOVES YOU - EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

I like special sayings: Lead, Follow or Get Out of the Way! or KISS (Keep it simple, stupid).

I have mottoes. On one of my tattoos, it says: SEMPER FI. That, as you know, is an abbreviated form of Semper Fideles or Always Faithful. It's the Marine Corps motto. My motto for the last few years has been: Miles to go; Promises to keep.

However, I have been thinking that I need to add to that motto. I think I should add: More to learn.

Miles to go; Promises to keep; More to learn...

But then I could also add: Dues to pay.

Miles to go; Promises to keep; More to learn; Dues to pay...

I fear that if I thought long enough, the motto would finally be too long for a tattoo on any appendage I have!

So I think I'll keep it simple...how about: Just Finish The Damn Ride!

Yea, that'll be a great tattoo motto.

Everything Old is New Again

My very good riding friend, Mike, has had more than his share of problems this year, some of which have kept him off of his bike for a while. Recently while riding with him, I remarked that he had "girl's" legs. Besides being a cyclist of the first order, he is a weight lifter and his body always has a well defined, manly shape. But after an illness, he had grown a little softer, (too much ice cream I'm guessing), and his legs showed the lack of bike time.

Today, when we rode together, he asked me if he still had "girl's" legs. I said that they looked toned and firm, but not quite like they used to be. I labeled them "Marlene Dietrich legs".

He said, "Who?"

I couldn't believe my ears. Although Mike is not yet 30, he surely has cable and AMC Classics. But even when I explained who she was, he still didn't recognize her name. I'm glad I never brought up my uncanny resemblance to Captain Kangaroo. He might have had the same reaction!

For many things, age and exposure make a difference. That's where tradition comes into it's own. If a tradition is kept, it links the modern world to a world which is long gone. Tradition is not the pointless keeping of rules or methods. It is a way to bring the past into our lives.



This is Maurice Martin. Many will say "who?". All you really need to know is that he was instrumental in the formation of our Randonneuring tradition. In 1888 he convinced the executive committee of the Union Velocipedique Francaise, the largest national association of bicycle clubs in France, to hold "brevets". They began with a metric century (100 kilometers). (Information from Ken Dobb of the Randonneurs Ontario Club http://www.randonneurs.bc.ca/history/cyclo-tourism_maurice-martin.html)

Throughout the following years, the sport progressed and became what it is today - a succession of increasingly longer rides of 200 kilometers, 300, 400, and 600 kilometers. The rules and methods have remained largely unchanged for over a hundred years.

So even if you don't know who Marlene Dietrich, Captain Kangaroo, Michael Jordan or Howdy Doody is, you can ride a brevet in much the same way that Maurice Martin did. Even if you can't hum the tune to "Wipeout" while playing the drum part with two number 2 pencils on your desk, you can still ride a brevet series, and be a part of the ongoing tradition which links us to Maurice Martin.

By keeping traditions, everything old is new again.

Rule Keeping - "Old School"?

This is Matt. He's one of my riding buddies. Matt and I have much in common, especially a desire to ride bicycles.

Recently as I was preparing to do a "worker's ride" for the Marion 300 kilometer Brevet, Matt emailed me and mentioned that I would be passing near his riding area during part of the ride. He asked if I could approximate the time I'd be there and offered to meet me and ride with me a little. I had to tell him that riding with a rider who was not registered on the ride would be against the rules, therefore I couldn't do it. Even though I would be riding alone for the entire 186 miles, and company would certainly be appreciated for some of it, and even though no one would likely ever know, I still wanted to respect our rules and so I turned down his offer.

He replied, "I got to hand it to you, when it comes to rules, you follow them."

Am I "wonderful"? No. Up to this point, I've only done what was expected of me. That doesn't qualify as wonderful. Unfortunately, in a world where it seems that too many are willing to cut corners and cheat because no one will know, or worse yet, no one cares, a rule-keeper seems above average. That's too bad.

During a recent spate of emails between route owners for RUSA, this very violation came up. One route owner openly stated that "don't ask don't tell" was a good policy when it came to keeping the rules. So against this backdrop, I guess I could look a little "wonderful". But it's an illusion. I'm only doing what is expected of me - only doing what I've agreed to do.

I realize that practically no one reads this. I mostly write it because it suits me to do so. But if you have read this, then consider becoming a rule-keeper too. Not just the ones which are easy, or please you; but all the rules you have agreed to - all the rules which are expected of you.

My wife once asked me if I thought it was possible that I might "cheat" on her with some hard-body bike riding woman. Not likely. You see, I'm not particularly handsome, not rich, not well-educated, not a great lover. The only thing I have to offer a woman is faithfulness. And if I cheat, then I don't have that.

When you look in the mirror after you step out of the shower you will see all that you really have to offer a woman, employer, friend or neighbor. Which isn't much; except a commitment to keep the rules.

Phenotypic Plasticity

Wikipedia says that "phenotypic plasticity is the ability of an organism to change its phenotype in response to changes in the environment. It is broadly applied to include changes that occur during the adult life of an organism, such as behavior.

Organisms may differ in the degree of phenotypic plasticity they display when exposed to the same environmental change. Hence, phenotypic plasticity can evolve and be adaptive if fitness is increased by changing phenotype."

For my entire life, especially the adult portion in which I'm now living, I've been a carnivore. I thought Cheeseburgers were one of the three food groups. If I went to a restaurant with a buffet, I would usually pick several meat choices and not have any vegetables on my plate during the entire meal.

After I married Carmel in 2001, she would often point out to me that there was nothing green on my plate at dinner. I always told her that if I saw something green on my meal, I'd cut it off and hope it hadn't spread to the inside of the meat.

To be fair to myself, I was trained this way as a child. It's not that my mother didn't know how to cook vegetables, but my father didn't like them. So my mother, like most wives of her generation, cooked what he liked. And that wasn't vegetables.

But my dad is a diabetic, has COPD, has had quintuple bypass surgery, and now has a new pacemaker. And he's only 19 years older than me. 19 years!

In 2008, I began to see my future as I looked at him. I figured that if I didn't change my ways, in only 19 years, I would have more than just his hairline, I'd have his health problems. So I became a vegetarian. And a long-distance cyclist. Phenotypic plasticity.

Besides giving up meat, I gave up alcohol. Alcohol, unlike most carbohydrates, has 7 calories per gram and metabolizes differently. Despite the favorable press a drink a day has received these last few year, I figure it's poison. Ditto for fast food.

When the subject comes up with any of my beer swilling, meat eating pals, they always say the same thing, "Everybody has to die of something!". And I always respond the same way, "It's not what I'll die of that bothers me, it's how I'll live until then that is my concern."

These two pictures were taken two years apart. Phenotypic plasticity.

Core Principles

I don't have a "bucket list" i.e. things I want to do before I die. I do have Core Principles i.e. things I will do while I live. I recently posted Core Principle #5 on my FB page prompting my wife to ask what the other ones are. I decided for the sake of my posterity,(not posterior, I've recently purchased the Selle An Atomica saddle for that),and in the spirit of Velocio

http://hardmenwithsoftbellies.wordpress.com/2009/07/17/heroes-of-cyclings-past-velocio/

I should enumerate some of my Core Principles here.

Core Principle # 7: If you only have time for cleaning your bike or riding it - ride it. A dirty bike isn't much heavier.

Core Principle # 6: If you are weak on hills, ride hills. If you are weak on the flats, ride hills. If you are weak against a headwind, ride hills. If you are weak on longer distance, ride hills. If you want to build any cycling aspect, ride hills.

Core Principle # 5: If you can choose between watching someone ride their bike and riding yours, ride your bike.

Core Principle # 4: If you are not a sponsored rider, i.e. if no one is paying you to ride either in cash or in kind, then your only opponent is your previous self. Pretending otherwise is pretending.

Core Principle # 3: If you are not advancing you are retreating. Setting goals intrinsically includes the idea of surpassing old bench marks.

Core Principle # 2: If you take extended time off of the bike it should be only to heal from an injury or to prevent one. This includes injuries in employment or relationships.

Core Principle # 1: If the event you want to ride is within 100 kilometers (62 miles) of your house, and it is less then 300 kilometers (186 miles), ride your bike to the event and ride it home. It is ridiculous to put you bike in or on a car for only 100 kilometers.

There you have them. My 7 top Core Principles. Yes, these are principles that I live by, and will argue for. Although I'd rather ride my bike than argue. (Core Principle # 8).

Stoneman - by definition

Most of you know that my name is made up. I wasn't born with this name. I named myself.

My first name, Miles is from a poem by Robert Frost. Despite the siren call of the woods nearby, a traveler presses on in his journey because he has "promises to keep and miles to go" before he can sleep. Miles, by definition, is keeping promises despite the distance yet to be traveled and the seductive call of present ease and comfort.

My family name, Stoneman is derived from combining the last four letters of my wife's birth name, and the last four letters of my birth name. As in the Biblical injunction, we have "left father and mother and have been joined" to each other. But what does it mean? Ah, another Frost poem is in order.

In "The Road Not Taken" the poet describes a situation wherein he comes to a fork in the road. Since he had not yet heard of Yogi Berra, he stood looking and deciding. In the end he chooses the road less traveled. And that road is the common focus when this poem is read. But consider the poet's words,

"I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

I took. Can you see it? It's not about the road. It's about the choosing. Stoneman, by definition, means choosing a road. It means considering carefully, but stepping off smartly with the left foot into the future. It means weighing the options, then grasping for the gold ring with both hands.

For the poet, it was the road less traveled which interested him. But I contend that the difference was made by CHOOSING; by boldly taking his destiny into his own hands and steering his own ship; bearing the responsibility. The poet says in a previous place,

"Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back."

Stoneman, then, by definition is looking then leaping. Leaping out into that wild blue yonder with only your intuition and faith for wings. Stoneman is the audacity to choose!

Are you a Stoneman?

How to eat an elephant...

Ever wonder how to eat an elephant? Although I'm a vegetarian, I know the answer to this one. This is the day of the annual Superman ride in Metropolis. My goal (extreme as usual) is to ride to the ride, ride the ride, then ride home. About 170 miles will roll under my wheels before the day is done. It's now 3:30 a.m. and dark (duh). The temperature is 77 degrees and the humidity is 85%. There is sweat already dripping off of my cycling cap. Today we'll have to race against dehydration.



This tunnel on the Tunnel Hill Bike Trail is usually treacherous during the daytime. The daylight entering the far end makes it impossible to see anything while inside. Every time I've ridden through it I've nearly crashed into the walls due to a case of vertigo. I'm thinking it will be easier at night.


I've brought along a bottle of "skeeter" spray. The bike trail is wooded and damp - perfect for breeding the little blood suckers. It will be daylight soon, and they'll all be waking up and ready to feed. I'm not particularly worried about the blood loss, it's West Nile Virus that bothers me. Some of these little creatures are carrying it, and since 1: you don't know which ones and 2: none of these "skeeters" are likely to be using itty bitty "skeeter" condoms, it's best to protect yourself. I always told my daughters, you can't depend on the mosquitoes to bring a condom, make sure you use "OFF"!


This railroad trestle is nearly 60 feet off of the ground below. But I have my CatEye HL-EL 530's to light the way. We're not afraid.


I can only guess that the loved one buried here was a big fan of the board game "SORRY". Why else would they choose this style of monument? Unless it was just to make a cyclist passing by say, "What the hell is that?" Because that's what I said as I rode by.


A fake Superman will be leading the ride today. As he was drawing names for the door prizes to be given away, I couldn't help but wonder if he felt a little silly dressed in that costume. Then I found his blog site. fakesuperman.fakeblogsite.com

He wrote: "I went to the Superman ride again this year. I often wonder if all those middle aged fat people feel silly riding bicycles in those costumes. Oh well, each to his own, I guess."




Elgin won a gift certificate for something this year. I have never won anything. They always give away a lot of small stuff and one bicycle. I always hope I can win the bike. It's a TREK so I wouldn't ride it, but I'd trade it for a RALEIGH if they had one. Maybe next year.


All the riders are lined up and ready to go. I'm going to start at the front of this pack and let them pass me after we get out of town. As you know, my Clark Kent is a gas truck driver, and I hate to drive or ride in a crowd. You can never be sure about the skills of those around you.


Here we go. The pack has already begun to split up. Those who want to race the ride are motoring away. I've never understood that. Since this is not a brevet or race and there are no results to be posted, what difference does it make? But perhaps it makes a difference to some. I, however, need to ride a little more conservatively. I already have over 60 miles in my legs and there are about 100 more to go.


I submit to the jury exhibit A. There are always these "masters" pacelines in every ride I go to (even brevets for some reason). These men will ride with their heads down, only seeing the jersey of the guy in front of them mile after mile. In fact, the second man in this line will join several of these today and be dropped by all of them. I passed him 5 times today. And later, as a part of a group, he would pass me back. Then I'd pass him as he struggled solo up a hill or into a headwind. By the end of the ride, I would finish ahead of him. Go figure.

I don't know exactly what it was about this man that made me want to stop and take his picture, but I felt drawn to him. Although he's not my own dear dad, I had the feeling that I needed to send him a Father's day card. Not sure why.

Somebody forgot to plant trees out here. The temperature is about 95 and the heat index is about 105. I think a few trees would be a good thing.

This turn, as I learned last year, was a HUGE temptation for quitting. The route turns right onto New Columbia road and it's about 25 miles into Metropolis from here. But if I turn left, I can head for Marion - this is the very road I will take home. By staying with the route, I will add 50 more miles in this heat. And who will know but me? That's just it. I will. You know my motto...miles to go - promises to keep.




I wasn't expecting to face another temptation to quit so early. At this water stop about 5 miles later, several people abandoned the ride. It was about 20 miles to the park where the ride ends, and it would be riding rollers against a headwind all the way. They simply couldn't face another hour and a half of this heat. I sat in a camp chair (the first time I've EVER sat down at a water stop or control stop) and debated turning north toward home and saving myself at least 40 miles on the day.

As the temptation got stronger I picked up my bike and headed for Metropolis. Miles to go - promises to keep.



Before I could make it to Fort Massac Park in Metropolis, my "cooling" system began shutting down. I realized that I had stopped sweating and I was beginning to get chills. Heat stroke, I reasoned. I didn't have a rectal thermometer with me, so I couldn't check my core temperature to see if I was in danger yet. In fact, I asked several riders if they had a rectal thermometer, and they all looked at me funny. I guess they don't check their core temperature on these rides.

When I finally made it to the park, I went into the men's room and stopped up the sink so that I could pour cool water over me for about 10 minutes until I began to feel human again. Then I lay on a bench in the shade for another 20 minutes. I finally started the ride home. Only 56 more miles to go.

By the time I reached Vienna I was struggling with the heat. I'd had to stop a couple of times in a shady area and pour water over my head to recover. It would be good to get home.

The Tunnel Hill Bike trail offered more shade than the road, but it's 10 miles to the trail head and it's all uphill. It's only a 3% grade, but it IS uphill. Coasting for a little is not an option. You have to keep pedaling for 10 miles, and because the trail is crushed limestone, you can only make about 12 mph. That means nearly an hour of using up my dwindling resources.

I asked this guy as he passed if he had a rectal thermometer. He hurried away. I guess nobody checks their core temperature anymore.

This was the hardest part of the ride - the last 4 block to the house. For the last several miles, I had adopted the strategy of standing for a few pedal strokes, and then sitting to coast off the momentum then repeating it over and over. I was completely beat and on the verge of shutting down. But I would make it home.

Now the answer to our question. You eat an elephant one bite at a time, even if it's a fried elephant. You can always do more than you think you can, but you have to avoid thinking too far down the road. Just make it to the next stop, or even the next patch of shade. Only eat one bite at a time.