This past week I attended a meeting of our cycling club. I didn't hear anything that I haven't said before (of course when someone other than me says it, it becomes new and exciting. I am, you already know, a tyrant). It discouraged me to note that the ones who began the club were not in attendance and probably didn't even know it was being held. I had dreamed big dreams for the cycling club and could not find a way to achieve any of them. Probably I was not the right person for the task. Now I was hearing those same dreams come from other people, but I was not hearing any plan of reaching the goal. Just dreams.
I came away discouraged. And that discouragement fed into every other aspect of my thinking. I found myself doubting whether or not any of the effort I've put into cycling had a meaning. It has been said, "never doubt in the dark what you've believed in the light". But how do you know that what you've believed in the light was real or just a mirage? How is it possible to know whether or not that oasis you see in the distance is the real thing? What if you get there only to find that you've used up precious resources in traveling to a mirage?
What if nothing really has any value after all? What if we are all like Mayflies? They leave the pupae stage to become adults with no mouths and a digestive system full of air. The only purpose they have now is to mate and die. And they'll do both within the next 48 hours.
Since I'm not a Mayfly, but a cyclist, I'll have to pursue some cycling goals. Typically for me they will all be extreme. Icarus should be my patron saint.
Over the next 50 years I will cycle with a purpose and the discipline to achieve those cycling goals. I will use copious amounts of time and money for this. And after they pour my ashes into the battery compartment of my bicycle headlight, those left behind can decide whether or not the gold I sought was fool's gold or the real thing.
As for the cycling club - I'm a little conflicted. If they don't succeed, then my dreams fail with them. If they do succeed, without me, it only confirms my uselessness. Unfortunately I don't have a plan B. So either way, I'll be cycling the second half alone.